It’s a Wednesday afternoon and I’m snuggled up on my sofa with my bright orange cat. For those of you who have been following along with our adventures, you know that my mom’s been in town since August. But she’s at the store right now. And Jeff’s hanging out with a friend.

I’m alone in my house. And that’s a little strange, too.

We’ve been through a whirlwind of change over the past two months, and I found myself earlier today feeling a little overwhelmed with it all. I was zoned out, scrolling through Facebook, and stopped to post a quick comment about how LinkedIn drives me batty. I typed out the comment and deleted it twice before deciding to hit ‘post.’

I don’t like putting negativity out there. I have a cobbled together belief system that translates into a near hyper vigilance as to ‘what I put out there.’ From the law of three-fold return to the law of polarity to scripture that says that if we believe the mountain shall be thrown into the sea with no doubt in our heart it shall be done… there’s a universal truth that speaks to me that means I believe that not only is it a giant drag to throw negativity into the Facebook pool, but it will have actual repercussions for my life. Manifest is as manifest does, as it were.

And so I almost didn’t post that LinkedIn drives me batty. Even though it keeps pushing a professional relationship with the guy who installed our hardwoods in the Texas house.

And then a friend on Facebook commented that she likes to read about other people’s struggles. That it makes her feel less alone. I commented.. ‘what timing’ I said. “I was thinking of doing a blog post about that!” I said.

She said “What’s holding you back?”

So here I am, thinking about the last, crazy two months. About how much I want to be in my studio to get 3 Snugbugs Studios into full production, but what a (literal) pain in the ass it is to crawl up the stairs to the studio. They are full of splinters and until the doc gives me the go-ahead, the only way to the 2nd floor in a historic, no-elevator town such as my adopted home is by crawling.

And I’m thinking about how awesome it is that I have such an amazing group of women that I work with through Patty Brower Consulting. Seriously, each of my clients blows me away. But I worry that I am providing the best work for them I can, when on this particular afternoon fall allergies and a run at non-medicated pain management means that the only thing I’ve really managed to do all day is one post to my Facebook group and a lot of trying to coax the cat to my end of the sofa before giving up and moving to his end of the sofa.

Also, six clients is great. But to pay our rent and pay our bills and feed that bright orange cat, I am searching for three more. And that worries me at night.

And I’m thinking about how since August my absolutely amazing husband has moved my studio, moved our shop, helped me shower (and put up with my company for the whole two weeks after my surgery when there was no shower at all.) And he’s facing another change in our business – a good change. A change that will make him more of the man he wants to be. But right now, building mode means a lot of anxiety about the next sale, the next client, our next, best move.

And if they were all the wrong moves.

And we support each other and laugh. And cry. And talk about what we’re scared of, and sometimes one of us will put on the good face and hold space while the other one completely loses it.

I started this post thinking of writing a fun ‘tell-all’ narrative about how being a business owner means that our Facebook is no longer our own. And how strange it is, and mercenary feeling, that I decided I want to get to 1,000 Instagram followers (from 340) by the end of October. {Follow me here}

It does mean all those things. And it means awesome, fun things… like coffee and scones mid-day with my handsome husband. And working to meld together what makes me smile with passion and purpose… and building a life that is full and in service to my truest self. Like being married, owning a business is a means to self-understanding that I never found in the corporate world. When we call the shots, ALL the shots, each day brings more of a reason to get up and go… although there will always be afternoons spent nursing fall allergies and trying to woo an uninterested cat into a snuggle session.

And there will be nights of eyes-snapped-open-mind-racing doubt. At least there are for me. And for Jeff.

The cat, though, he’s 100% sure of himself.

Patty Brower is co-maker, creative director, marketing gal & textile maven at The Snugbug Collective. She splits her time between working with private clients and small business owners on marketing strategy and implementation and basset hound wrangling. She is also the designer/owner of Three Snugbugs Studios, a handmade and upcycled clothing and accessory line.